Day 123

Talking it out with Mom – Internal Conflict resolution

Notes below:

Introduction
    1.  When the Lady broke up with me, she told me I had to fight off some internal demons.  My response to that was anger and frustration and she told me I was lying to myself.  I retorted back that she was wrong.  The reality is that the Lady was right.  I did have internal conflicts to face.  I understand now why she had to let me go.  She is correct.  I was not ready for a relationship.  How can I love someone else when I cannot love myself?
    2.  I have spent a lot of time self reflecting.  The reality is that I do not love myself.  Why do I not love myself?  Because I’m not good enough.  Why am I not good enough?  Because throughout my life, my mother would always tell me that I needed to do better.  She always compared me to other kids.  She always told me that I wasn’t trying hard enough.  As a result of her consistently putting me down (negative reinforcement) I have developed an internal system of negative reinforcement throughout my life.  In other words, I beat myself down to build myself up.   And of course, I’m being irresponsible because I blame my mother instead of being responsible for my own actions (or inaction).
    3.  In retrospect, this is a foolish thing to do.  There’s a lot of time lost.  It seems so silly when you put it on paper.  Time is precious.  Why would anyone waste time beating themselves up and lose the time to recover before actually building oneself up when they can consistently slowly just build themselves up one step at a time?
 
    Nonetheless, I’m going to share with you what I have learned.  I hope this helps people figure out what is wrong with their lives, as this has helped with mine.  I am fortunate that my mother is alive for me to speak to.  I really worry what happens if I ever lose her.  I know I would be devastated.

-Conversation with mother
    1.  Need mom to tell me she is content of what I have done and that up until now it has been enough.
    2.  Mom told me she was more than proud of me, and not because I was her only child.
    3.  Mom explained many things in her heart which she never explained to me.
    4.  My mother apologized that I grew up in a dysfunctional household.
    5.  I always suspected but never confirmed until mother discussed with me – my father was a permissive parent and an introvert.  I love him for who he is but this did not do me any favors.  I respect and love my father, but he did not do “manly” things.
    6.  Identified with mother the lack of a masculine influence in my life.
    7.  My mother expressed that she was not happy with my father and has wanted to divorce him for a long time because she was unhappy.  However, due to culture and the fact they’ve spent so much time together, this wasn’t really an option anymore.
    8.  During my conversation I noted that my mother consistently berated my father and put him down.  I came to the realization that this was present throughout my childhood.
    9.  My mother explained to me that she understands I had struggles.  She and my father also had struggles.  Our struggles of immersing into the American culture are not uncommon.  They were immigrants and I was first generation born here.  
     10.  I confronted my mother about overachieving, and told her that all these years I had been hurt, and always driven to try harder because it was never good enough for her.  I explained my father accepted me for who I was and never did this, so I was always sure it was good enough for him but never certain for her.  My mother explained that she had to push me because my father didn’t – she had to be the bad guy and step up to the plate.  She said if she overdid it, it was out of love.
     11.  When I reflect on what my mother was saying, I realized that the entire viewpoint I’ve had of my mother was wrong the last 30+ years.  Here I was, thinking my mother was an overbearing, overprotective, excessively worrying tiger mother who was never content with anything I did.   The reality was that I was that I was immature and did not truly consider her intentions at all.
     12.  My mother said that she was proud of me.  She said she could see that I have grown up a lot and that I was doing a lot more than my peers.  She said she wasn’t sure I would make as an independent adult, but she respected me for being able to do so.  She had wanted to protect me from all kinds of things but she saw that I toughed it out and went through my own struggles and got there anyway.  She said as much as she would love to see me living at home like her friends’ children do, she could see that my ability to be autonomous, move out, and fend for myself made me in many ways a lot more mature and responsible than the others. 
     13.  I asked my mom if, up until now, I had achieved enough for her.
     14.  She said I achieved more than what she expected. 
     15.  I asked her if there was anything that I did not meet her expectations on.
     16.  My mother said that I needed to stop eating junk food.  She said I needed to take care of myself better.  She said that other than that, I was doing extremely well.
     17.  I thanked her for setting me free.
     18.  She told me to call more often.


-Achievements today
    1.  Elliptical, 2 miles, 207 calories.
    2.  Ab machines, gym classes.  (8/17/2018 morning)
    3.  Ab machines, approach 2 (8/18/2018 morning)
   
-Internal thoughts
    1.  Masculinity.  It’s time to get some.
    2.  Looking into yoga, possibly kick boxing and martial arts.
  

-Schedule today: