Day 135 - 145

Days 135-145:  Days go by so quickly...

I haven't been updating because of real life responsibilities.  But I have been documenting all of my work outs.  :)

Big update coming.

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Day 124

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Day 124 - Changes Introduction :     Change is hard it really is.   We all say we want to change, but change is hard.   It takes time.   And time is really something we can’t afford to lose.   So don’t make mistakes like I did.   If you do, learn from them.   Never repeat them.   You may never get a second chance.   Changing how I think :     After self-reflection, I determined that if I am going to change, I need to go all in.   I don’t want to hide anymore.   All of the things I have been talking about recently are interlinked.   Quitting gaming, self-love deficiency, and internal conflicts.   If I love myself, and I achieve things, I won’t have anything to hide.   I won’t have to fake anything.   There won’t be a need for a cover story if I already am telling a real story worth telling.     So yesterday after I made my video, I went to the boxing gym.   I met a trainer who asked me what I was looking for.   I said I wanted to get fit.   He asked me if I was ready to put in
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Day 123

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Talking it out with Mom – Internal Conflict resolution Notes below: Introduction     1.   When the Lady broke up with me, she told me I had to fight off some internal demons.   My response to that was anger and frustration and she told me I was lying to myself.   I retorted back that she was wrong.   The reality is that the Lady was right.   I did have internal conflicts to face.   I understand now why she had to let me go.   She is correct.   I was not ready for a relationship.   How can I love someone else when I cannot love myself?     2.   I have spent a lot of time self reflecting.   The reality is that I do not love myself.   Why do I not love myself?   Because I’m not good enough.   Why am I not good enough?   Because throughout my life, my mother would always tell me that I needed to do better.   She always compared me to other kids.   She always told me that I wasn’t trying hard enough.   As a result of her consistently putting me down (negative reinforcement) I have
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Reflection, Days 120, 121, 122, and 123.

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This is a retrospective view of the things: In 72 hours, a LOT has changed. Day 120: I created a youtube video for the Lady.  It was a video of me singing a song for her that she linked me when we first met.  I then created a video of about 40 minutes explaining why I still loved her and how we could make things work if we both tried. I texted her the links. She never looked at the videos. Conclusion:  I was stuck in a one sided relationship, foolish dreamer.  I probably creeped her out. ---- Day 121: I called up the Lady and she pretty much made clear we were done.  I wasn't listening.  I was still stuck. She told me not to contact her again and I was not welcome at her residence. I was broken all day.  I was irritable at work. Eventually, I "got it". Conclusion:  I was in denial of the fact the relationship was over since Day 97.  I was the only one still trying to reach out to her.  She had already moved on.  On Day 118 I had gone up to see he
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