Reflection, Days 120, 121, 122, and 123.
This is a retrospective view of the things:
In 72 hours, a LOT has changed.
Day 120:
I created a youtube video for the Lady. It was a video of me singing a song for her that she linked me when we first met. I then created a video of about 40 minutes explaining why I still loved her and how we could make things work if we both tried.
I texted her the links.
She never looked at the videos.
Conclusion: I was stuck in a one sided relationship, foolish dreamer. I probably creeped her out.
----
Day 121:
I called up the Lady and she pretty much made clear we were done. I wasn't listening. I was still stuck.
She told me not to contact her again and I was not welcome at her residence.
I was broken all day. I was irritable at work.
Eventually, I "got it".
Conclusion: I was in denial of the fact the relationship was over since Day 97. I was the only one still trying to reach out to her. She had already moved on. On Day 118 I had gone up to see her, and it was inappropriate for me to do so. I am lucky she did not pull out a restraining order for this.
I was still being codependent. Ironically this is probably precisely the reason she broke up with me the first place. She was saying things and I wasn't listening. I was not giving her the needs she wanted. She was also not giving me the needs I wanted. It was not working out. It was UNHEALTHY.
I was too blind to see.
----
Day 122:
Lots of time at the gym and self reflection have allowed me to identify some serious issues that I was dealing with.
I likely suffered from video game addiction for a long time. I paid the price with academic grades, study skills, and health issues.
I always knew there would be a time when the games would go. So why don't I cut them out now? I have since removed all trace of games on my computer.
In the last few years, I have cut games out before and then gone right back. Every now and then, I would get cravings - it's like the alcoholic wanting another drink.
I never fully broke away from my addiction.
The true test is to see how long I can keep this up.
When I withdrew from video games due to life circumstances such as the reality of growing up and having to work, my other core issue began to spill out - Self Love Deficiency Disorder (codependency).
This "need" or addiction to help other people instead of helping myself, or disease to please, was what got me stuck in a persistent rut of trying to save others and become a martyr. The reality is that I cannot solve other people's problems and they cannot solve mine.
I understand why the Lady said I wasn't the one for her. How could I be?
Unless I completely change how I think and what I do, how can I be good for ANYONE?
If I am not healthy myself, how can it be healthy to be with me? Regardless of any issues that existed with her, MY issues were bleeding on to her and that was UNFAIR.
Conclusion: Okay. So now we know what the problem is. Well, how do we fix something that is seemingly such a huge issue? Like any mental health professional would say, let's look at how you were raised.
----
Day 123:
There were some serious bombs dropped today.
Realizing I grew up in a dysfunctional home with a permissive parent father and an unhappy and unsatisfied mother who had to pick up the slack was huge. Knowing now that my mother is proud of what I have done and that I meet her expectations has freed my mind, heart, and soul. Identifying that there is a lack of masculine influence in my life has given me a path toward self improvement and filling the things that I need to live a happy life.
I will now move on toward improving myself by filling the void.
I was not good enough for the Lady. Truly.
If I ever want to be with her, I need to change and become healthy and stable.
When/if I do become healthy and stable, she may still say no when I approach her.
I need to respect her right to say no.
----
I do want to be with the Lady, but that cannot be my decision alone.
If I want to be with her, it must be a healthy relationship. I owe myself and anyone else in my life that much.
If I don't ever get there, she deserves to find someone who is. If I don't make it in time before she finds someone else, such is fate.
I leave it to the powers that be.
---
Photos:
From Day 121: Running
In 72 hours, a LOT has changed.
Day 120:
I created a youtube video for the Lady. It was a video of me singing a song for her that she linked me when we first met. I then created a video of about 40 minutes explaining why I still loved her and how we could make things work if we both tried.
I texted her the links.
She never looked at the videos.
Conclusion: I was stuck in a one sided relationship, foolish dreamer. I probably creeped her out.
----
Day 121:
I called up the Lady and she pretty much made clear we were done. I wasn't listening. I was still stuck.
She told me not to contact her again and I was not welcome at her residence.
I was broken all day. I was irritable at work.
Eventually, I "got it".
Conclusion: I was in denial of the fact the relationship was over since Day 97. I was the only one still trying to reach out to her. She had already moved on. On Day 118 I had gone up to see her, and it was inappropriate for me to do so. I am lucky she did not pull out a restraining order for this.
I was still being codependent. Ironically this is probably precisely the reason she broke up with me the first place. She was saying things and I wasn't listening. I was not giving her the needs she wanted. She was also not giving me the needs I wanted. It was not working out. It was UNHEALTHY.
I was too blind to see.
----
Day 122:
Lots of time at the gym and self reflection have allowed me to identify some serious issues that I was dealing with.
I likely suffered from video game addiction for a long time. I paid the price with academic grades, study skills, and health issues.
I always knew there would be a time when the games would go. So why don't I cut them out now? I have since removed all trace of games on my computer.
In the last few years, I have cut games out before and then gone right back. Every now and then, I would get cravings - it's like the alcoholic wanting another drink.
I never fully broke away from my addiction.
The true test is to see how long I can keep this up.
When I withdrew from video games due to life circumstances such as the reality of growing up and having to work, my other core issue began to spill out - Self Love Deficiency Disorder (codependency).
This "need" or addiction to help other people instead of helping myself, or disease to please, was what got me stuck in a persistent rut of trying to save others and become a martyr. The reality is that I cannot solve other people's problems and they cannot solve mine.
I understand why the Lady said I wasn't the one for her. How could I be?
Unless I completely change how I think and what I do, how can I be good for ANYONE?
If I am not healthy myself, how can it be healthy to be with me? Regardless of any issues that existed with her, MY issues were bleeding on to her and that was UNFAIR.
Conclusion: Okay. So now we know what the problem is. Well, how do we fix something that is seemingly such a huge issue? Like any mental health professional would say, let's look at how you were raised.
----
Day 123:
There were some serious bombs dropped today.
Realizing I grew up in a dysfunctional home with a permissive parent father and an unhappy and unsatisfied mother who had to pick up the slack was huge. Knowing now that my mother is proud of what I have done and that I meet her expectations has freed my mind, heart, and soul. Identifying that there is a lack of masculine influence in my life has given me a path toward self improvement and filling the things that I need to live a happy life.
I will now move on toward improving myself by filling the void.
I was not good enough for the Lady. Truly.
If I ever want to be with her, I need to change and become healthy and stable.
When/if I do become healthy and stable, she may still say no when I approach her.
I need to respect her right to say no.
----
I do want to be with the Lady, but that cannot be my decision alone.
If I want to be with her, it must be a healthy relationship. I owe myself and anyone else in my life that much.
If I don't ever get there, she deserves to find someone who is. If I don't make it in time before she finds someone else, such is fate.
I leave it to the powers that be.
---
Photos:
From Day 121: Running
From day 122: Elliptical
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